"2012"

2012 is the year the world as we know it comes to a calamitous end, according to Mayan prophecies. And 2012 is approximately the number of times you may giggle while watching director Roland Emmerich's "2012," which tells us our planet meets its doom not only in fire and water but in an orgasmic explosion of CGI effects, underscored by thundering percussion; exactly how many timpani drums were sacrificed in the service of this soundtrack?

Brace yourself for volcanic eruptions at Yellowstone National Park, tidal waves in Washington, D.C. and the crushing of thousands of unlucky Catholics beneath the dome of St. Peter's Basilica (which magically turns into some sort of enormous rolling pin). Obviously, Emmerich ("The Day After Tomorrow," "Independence Day," "Godzilla") has been worshipping at the Temple of Irwin Allen, the filmmaker dubbed "the Master of Disaster" in honor of his 1970s blockbusters such as "The Poseidon Adventure" and "The Towering Inferno." In between destroying familiar landmarks and taking particular pleasure in demolishing downtown Los Angeles, Emmerich squeezes in an imperiled cruise ship so he can restage some of "Poseidon," as well as showcase George Segal and Blu Mankuma in what looks and sounds like the worst lounge act ever to hit the high seas.

What's put the planet into an End of Days daze, you ask? Mutated neutrinos, of course. Severe solar eruptions have sent those pesky neutrinos raining down on Earth, where they are acting like microwaves on the planet's core, leading Earth to essentially try to shed its skin as land masses quake and break at regular intervals. The governments of the world have joined forces to maintain a code of silence about the oncoming Apocalypse, while secretly building "arks" (yes, you read that correctly) in the mountains of China that will save a few hundred thousand prime human specimens -- provided they can afford the one-billion-Euros per seat passage. There are also elephants, giraffes and other wildlife being loaded onto the arks, although it's unclear how they are expected to pay their way.

As unsuccessful science-fiction writer John Cusack collects his kids, his ex-wife (Amanda Peet) and his ex-wife's new boyfriend (Tom McCarthy) for a hasty trip to the Orient, the U.S. President (Danny Glover) does a whole lot of hand-wringing, goes on TV to say The Lord’s Prayer and then, in one of the film’s many dare-ya-not-to-laugh moments, rolls out an "I’m a-comin', Elizabeth!" speech worthy of Redd Foxx.

In case you want to mark your calendar, the world ends on December 21, 2012, which will at least spare us all the chore of holiday shopping: Thanks, Mayans! Apparently, however, the ancient sages didn’t foresee the closing of the Times Square Virgin Megastore: It’s still visibly open for business in 2012 New York, even though it actually shut its doors last spring.

While Emmerich has far more sophisticated special effects in his toolbox than Allen could ever have dreamed of, the writing in "2012" is barely a step up from coloring-book captions. The screenplay generally substitutes declarations for dialogue ("This was the last day of the United States of America," "You’re telling me the North Pole is now in Wisconsin?!") and the sentimental scenarios Emmerich and co-writer Harald Kloser have concocted make even classy actors like Cusack, Glover and Thandie Newton (in the unfortunate role of the Prez's firebrand of a daughter) look ridiculous.

The only cast members who survive with untarnished reputations are McCarthy, who gives a little edge to his nice-guy plastic surgeon character -- when Peet rejects his advances, he smugly notes that "women pay me thousands of dollars to handle their boobs; you get it for free!" -- and Woody Harrelson, who goes far beyond the call of duty as a nutcase of a talk-radio personality who sees it all coming. Sporting a bargain-basement Halloween wig and throbbing eyes he might have borrowed from Charles Manson, Harrelson not only goes over the top, he heads to infinity and beyond.

But engaging performances and believable drama are low on Emmerich's list of priorities. He’s primarily concerned with dishing up devastation, and "2012" does deliver on that score. Wiping out the world is second nature to Emmerich by now, and his visions of global demolition easily eclipse anything he did in "Tomorrow" or "Independence."

They are also as absurd as they are spectacular; let's just say the end of humanity will probably make a kick-ass videogame this holiday season. If the Physics Police handed out tickets for every natural law "2012" violates, Emmerich and Kloser would have enough to wallpaper Mt. Everest. But perhaps they'll save that stunt for the sequel.