"Ghosts Can't Do It" (1990)

Good times never last forever, and sure enough, after only six blissful years, John and Bo Derek have resurfaced with a new home movie. The good news (for those who enjoy squirming through the worst cinema has to offer) is that "Ghosts Can't Do It" manages to top even such masterworks of schlock as their earlier "Bolero," "Fantasies" and their perversion of "Tarzan the Ape Man" for sheer artistic ineptitude.

Bo has never shown the slightest acting ability, but that doesn't stop John from throwing down a broad emotional gauntlet for her to run. She does have a sensational body, which is unwisely downplayed for most of "Ghosts," as John dresses her in outfits even Cher might condemn as gaudy: You won't believe the furry black number she trots out for her husband's funeral. The real shame falls on Anthony Quinn, playing Bo's deceased spouse who keeps tabs on her from the spectral world: Most of his footage consists of embarrassing reaction shots that look like they were filmed through an aquarium full of sewer water and lit with a strobe light.

The skimpy and disjointed storyline has to do with Bo and ghostly Quinn pining for each other and scheming to bump off a virile young gigolo so that Quinn can possess his body and "do it" with Bo once more. Far more absorbing though is a climactic showdown between tough tycoon Bo and takeover king Donald Trump, who is portrayed by The Donald himself. "You like to make mischief," Bo teases. "You noticed that too?" he deadpans. Somewhere Ivana is smiling...